If I had to use one word to describe what has impacted my life the most, coincidentally it would be "words."
Words of God. Words of people. Words of friends. Words of enemies. Words of strangers.
Words in poetry. Words in music. Words in books. Words in letters.
Words inside my head. Words said out loud.
Words can be painful. Words can be hurtful.
But among all of the things I love and see as beautiful, the common factor is words.
One of the most powerful images I've ever seen - and you can Google it, I'm sure - is of a small child that is being choked. And while choking a child is bad enough, the adult's arm is put together by words.
Words like these:
You're stupid.
You're worthless.
You're a waste of time.
You'll never amount to anything.
You're bad.
No one likes you.
And the list goes on. Imagine being told these things over and over and over again. Imagine hearing words every single day that are meant to hurt you, meant to tear you down, meant to abuse.
When I was in seventh grade, a classmate asked me "Are you sure you aren't a black girl in a white girl's body? Because that ass is way out there."
When I was in tenth grade, a friend said to me "You are book smart but you really have no common sense."
When I was just out of college, a guy that I hooked up with for one evening, though we'd met several times prior, said to me that it didn't matter that my butt was "plump" because it "made fucking [me] nicer."
When I was in my late twenties, a friend told me she'd kept a list - not sure if it was physical or mental - of all the "bad things" I'd done that she disapproved of.
And just last year, someone told me that the true problem they had with me is my face.
I can tell you exactly where I was when I was told these things. I can name every single one of these people. I won't name them. But whether I do or not doesn't take them away. It doesn't make them unsaid things. After hearing things like this throughout my entire life, it's been so easy to replay them in my head. They've replayed so many times and for so long that I've come to believe that I am stupid. I am only good for one thing. I am a bad person. And some days it is all I can think about. Sure, there are also days when I can sit back and, in a more rational mindset, tell myself that none of them are true. But they aren't completely untrue. I'm curvy. I do stupid things. I've done things people don't approve of. I have resting bitch face. I am aware of all of these things. And anything that someone is saying to me, I can guarantee I've already said to myself a million times. Someone else saying them doesn't help anything.
I also have a lot of people in my life though that say very nice things to me. Unfortunately, those things are harder to believe. And with the exception of a few recent examples, I can't credit any of them to any specific person. I'm that unsure that they're true. And retraining your inner voice to repeat the kind things is a lot tougher than training it to replay the negative things. I've been trying. I made a promise to a friend that I would be kinder to myself. Let's face it - no one wants to be around someone who is constantly speaking poorly of themselves or anyone else. I think that keeping a promise is important. And keeping this promise will probably be of greater benefit to me than to her. In an effort to be nicer to myself, to retrain my brain, I took screenshots of kind words that I've been told. I made them into a collage and it is now the background on my phone. I look at my phone several times a day. And maybe after some time, I'll be able to say these things to myself, in my own voice, rather than in hers. That is my hope, my goal, my promise. To her AND to me.
I really believe words are powerful. That's part of the reason I write. It's therapeutic to write and to share, both for me and the reader. I would encourage YOU to tell yourself kind things every day. Tell other people kind things every day. The negative things don't help anyone at all. I don't know why the mean things are harder to believe. But I DO KNOW that saying one kind thing to someone can completely change their day and yours. Remind yourself every day that you are great.
