You are Art

My favorite actress is Sandra Bullock and of all her movies, 28 Days is my favorite! If you haven't seen it, it's about a journalist named Gwen who is an alcoholic. After a series of drunken mistakes, she is court ordered to a 28-day stay in rehab. Is it her best movie? Probably not, and I know it isn't her funniest. But it's my favorite because of how relatable it is for me.

I am not an alcoholic but I have been in rehab, oddly enough around the same time the movie was released in 2000. My treatment was mostly outpatient but after a suicide attempt between morning sessions at therapy, one that stopped my heart and landed me in the hospital, I was admitted to inpatient treatment.

While I appreciate irony, attempting suicide while in rehab for previously attempting suicide is one of the worst examples you can find. If you've seen the movie, you'll know Gwen's roommate Andrea attempted suicide more than once while they were there. Andrea was the youngest patient in the facility at the time and the same was true for me. Everyone "adopted" me as their daughter or little sister. She also watched soap operas - GUILTY!

When I overdosed and collapsed, the young woman who found me was another patient - the one whose drugs I combined with my own. She was on crutches at the time because of a broken leg. When Andrea is found passed out from an overdose, Gwen is wearing a boot on her leg because she jumped out the window to fetch the pills she'd previously dumped.

All of this is not a great endorsement for the movie - or rehab - but there is something beautiful about it. In the movie, each person is given a sign to wear that says "confront me if...." followed by whatever they need to resolve. Gwen is to be confronted if she doesn't ask for help. When someone completes their stay, they're given a send-off that includes everyone singing "Lean On Me." Andrea thinks this is ridiculous, and when it's her time to leave, Gwen has something special planned for her. She rallies a group of patients to act out a soap opera scene instead of the traditional sing-off! Then they each give her a sign that has something inspirational written on it. The sign Gwen makes says "Don't ever be someone's slogan because you are poetry." This is one of my favorite quotes of all time and a great reminder that someone, somewhere, sees beauty in us even if we can't see it ourselves.

I posted a picture recently of a temporary workspace I set up in my garage for a virtual writing workshop. Someone astutely observed that we have wall hangings in our garage. I never thought much about it, and anything in there is something we have no place for inside but still want to keep.

On one wall, we have calendars my dad drew when he worked for Bob and Tom at Q95 Indianapolis decades ago, all or mostly from the '80s. On another wall we have an Indiana Pacers flag, an Indianapolis Colts picture, and something my mother-in-law knitted or crocheted or something (I really don't know). The last thing is a stained glass piece my dad put together. I think it's older than me and it's heavy and very fragile. Some of the pieces are cracked and they shift a bit if you move it. It's not hanging inside because I don't have a good window on the east or west side of my house to catch good sunlight.

If you dissect a stained glass window, you'll find pieces of broken glass, rough and bumpy around the edges, that on their own aren't much to look at. If you found one single piece of glass lying on the ground, you might even throw it away. But when you pick up the broken pieces and put them together, something beautiful is created.

Set off-center and to the right is a mirror. It kind of looks like a mitten. Like the rest of the pieces, it is broken and rough around the edges. This is the only part you can't see through. The part that makes you look back at yourself. The part of a beautiful mosaic where you are the final piece.

I have a difficult time every single day wondering where I fit into this world. I am able to find beauty and goodness and worth in everyone I'm surrounded by - no matter how broken they are, and all of us are. But if we take a minute to see how all of our broken pieces fit together, we might be able to find something beautiful.

Remember - to someone, you are poetry or the final piece of a mosaic. YOU ARE ART!

Capable

Something I have struggled with for most of my life is believing in myself. I don't take advantage of opportunities offered to me or step outside of my comfort zone unless it's necessary because I am constantly convinced I'm going to fail. 

 

The first time I wrote a book review, I spent the better part of a day worrying about it. When I sent what I'd written to the author, her response was "you should do this for a living." I was blown away by the compliment, and maybe one day I'll do just that. But even with such high praise, I wasn't confident I could do it. The five or six subsequent reviews I wrote I asked her to read before I published them. It took this many times of being told I could do it before I believed I could do it. I've made it to a place where I don't ask her to review them anymore.

 

The last couple of years I've been trying to put more focus on being kinder to myself because I am surrounded by people who DO believe in me. They would never say the things to me that I say to myself. And I'd never say those things to them. I've been trying to do things for myself that inspire me and simply bring me joy, such as writing. When I find myself in situations that are new, whether personal or professional, I seek the same kind of reassurance that I did when I started writing book reviews. 

 

I have found that if I give myself a little bit of grace and kindness, I am very capable of doing things. It often just takes a moment to pause, breathe and quiet the noise. The noise that I've created. The noise that is just that - noise. If I can get through that, I can hear the words others say to me, and listening to those words instead of the ones I tell myself gives me the kick in the ass to go try something. I love words and think they hold a great power, whether said internally, read or heard from someone else.

My phone background is a screenshot of kind words from a friend that I can read anytime. Maybe that sounds ridiculous but it's one small thing I can turn to - and see many times daily - when I need a little reassurance. To complement my background, I recently purchased a bracelet from MyIntent.org. These are not mass produced and you can get any word - YES ANY WORD - you choose pounded into the charm. I learned about this company months ago from a life coach and wanted one immediately, but I didn't want to choose just ANY word. I wanted a word that was meaningful to me but not one that was too easy. I was looking for a word that would be challenging but not intimidating. And with the bazillions of words there are, it seemed daunting to find ONE. 

 

After some contemplation, I chose the word CAPABLE. This is a word that is a reminder of a lot of things - that I can succeed, that I need to be kind to myself and try, that I am surrounded by other people who believe in me. But most of all, it reminds me that I AM CAPABLE. And so are you!!