How am I Powerful?

Five weeks ago, my mentor assigned me the task of writing down, three times a day, three things I am grateful for and three positive statements about myself. I dreaded this assignment. It's easy to think of several things I'm grateful for but thinking beyond food, water, shelter and a job every day requires thinking a bit deeper. A lot of them have been things we often take for granted - a good bed to sleep in, three meals a day, plus snacks if we want, fast and reliable internet service, etc. Other times I've written included things that required a shift in thinking. For example, instead of feeling overwhelmed by the seemingly endless piles of laundry, I can be grateful we have clothes to wear every day. We have the resources to wash and dry our clothes. We have the ability to buy new clothes when we need them. 

I think my favorite one so far has been my neck. Yes, my neck. It's just a neck. But when you're 5'2'' sun visors in the car don't work. Instead, you have the seat as far forward and as high up as you can make it, the visor flipped down, your posture is straighter than ever and you stretch your neck as far as possible to get some relief from the sun. Without a neck, this wouldn't be possible and instead you'd be a hazard on the road. I know they make sunglasses but adult ones are too big for me and the pairs made for children are too small. I have the same issue with hats. I don't fit!

The other part of this exercise - which I anticipated ending after a week - has been more difficult. Prior to suggesting I write three positive statements about myself, she told me I wasn't going to like the assignment. She was 100 percent correct. I don't like it at all and wasn't sure I'd be able to do it even once. I don't like myself much. I think I am likable at times, but my overall opinion of myself is quite poor. She told me to take the negative things I think about myself and write the opposite. I can't use things I already believe, like I'm funny, good at math and punctual. I have to rewire my brain by turning the destructive thoughts into something that will move me in a positive direction.

Coming up with the bad thoughts was easy and flipping them upside down wasn't difficult either. The hard part, which I'm told will happen over time, is believing these things. I've written things like my feelings are important, I matter, I deserve happiness, I'm not a burden, and I am enough. 

At my last therapy session, I shared that I'd been doing this and that I felt uncertain about whether or not they were true rather than not believing them at all. She asked me for examples of things I'd written about myself. I told her one of them was "I am powerful," and she asked me if there was any part of that statement that I DID believe. 

I told her that for as many years as I've been fighting depression and as heavy as it feels some days, I've always been able to get out of bed, get to school or work, bathe myself and eat, and take care of my kids. I know there are people who are not able to do these things because just getting out of bed is exhausting, and anything beyond that seems impossible. I've been fortunate that I've never been in that place, so in that respect maybe I am powerful.This also gave me a new perspective that as hard as some days are, I certainly could have worse days.

I'm on day 32 of this assignment have almost 100 positive statements about myself. In all honesty, I am still unsure about the truthfulness of each one. But if I can ask myself the same question my therapist asked about each one, and find one piece of every statement that I believe, perhaps one day I will fully believe all of them, and know without a doubt that I am powerful.

Disconnected Thoughts

My mom has often told me she doesn’t like social media, more specifically Facebook, because of the constant bickering between your “friends” and family. While I don’t disagree that a lot of this goes on, I remind her that she doesn’t have to engage in any exchange that she believes will cause her to get upset, angry, sad or otherwise; she has a choice to not engage. It’s also her choice to not have social media but having a social media account doesn’t mean you HAVE to argue.

I learned a long time ago if you post anything that can be disagreed with, be prepared for dissension. Often times, people argue about sensitive topics such as religion or politics. But I’ve been involved in arguments, actual heated arguments, over things as superficial as ice cream. I’ve never understood why some people find it difficult to see an opinion different than their own and just move on without engaging. What is the point of arguing? We’re allowed to have different opinions and we should be able to have them while still maintaining a level of respect for the other person.

I’ve found that if you are trying to convince the person to see your point of view and change their mind to align with your belief, it’s a waste of everyone’s time. People hold certain beliefs for a number a reasons. They could have been raised or influenced by their parents to hold that point of view. They could be uneducated about the other side. They could also feel passionately and have a personal reason for feeling the way they feel. Either way, trying to convince someone to change their belief simply because you disagree with it is not productive.

At any rate, it isn’t the presence of or participation in social media that creates disputes. It’s not reading or hearing an opinion different than your own that causes disagreements. It’s the act of engagement and the immersion of ourselves in the discussion that leads to arguments. Yes, we can all learn a lot if we take the time to listen to the other side and can gain a new perspective if we understand why someone may hold a different belief. But we don’t have to engage in these thoughts if it’s going to trap us in a seemingly endless cycle of no progression.

I’ve been using an app called Headspace every day for my mediation, and I recently completed a 30-day course that focuses on self-esteem. While the meditation portion is the same with each course, the different themes offer their own lessons. They open with a minute or so speaking about the theme of the course, begin the meditation time, and then end with repeating the key lesson and takeaway.

The self-esteem course isn’t designed to give you a brand new liking for yourself at the end of the course. That would be so nice! It’s designed to help you consider what is causing you to have negative thoughts or a poor image of yourself. Then it teaches you how to reframe those ideas to improve your thinking in order to shift your perception of yourself.

The problem is, in my case, I’ve gotten so used to beating myself up over small mistakes and speaking negatively to and about myself, that I am convinced these things are true. I believe I’m not worthy. I believe I’m a burden and a waste of time and space. I believe my voice, opinions and feelings are not important. I believe my happiness should not be a priority or a consideration.

That sounds dreadful and it is. But the good news is this – all of those are thoughts. That doesn’t mean their truths. If you examine the word “belief” or “believe,” right in the middle is the word LIE. And that’s what I’ve spent my life telling myself. Lies.

In some cases, I don’t have a full belief that these things are true, but I am uncertain about them. Do I matter? Is my existence valuable? Do I deserve to be happy? Am I a good mom? Sometimes I feel like the answer is yes but just as often, I feel like the answer is no.

The way I perceive and feel about myself really has nothing to do with social media. But what parallels is this – when I tell my mom she doesn’t have to engage with a discussion that will ultimately lead to an argument, she can move right past it and not let it ruin her day, I should be telling myself the same thing about what’s going on internally.

Instead of posting nasty or negative things on social media, I try to post something that is funny or inspiring. I try to use it as a tool to keep in touch with friends and family. I use it to be supportive of others. That is a CHOICE, and by treating it in this way, it doesn’t ruin my day. I see things every day I don’t agree with but I move on. I don’t engage.

What is going on my head is the complete opposite. I am engaging in the nastiness, the negativity and the destructive thoughts and ideas. I’m giving in to the lies rather than simply recognizing them and moving on. I’ve learned through mentors, therapists, mediation and people who have studied the brain for years that our brain is able to be manipulated. It isn’t solid like a rock; it’s more like Play-Doh, at least in the way we can use it.

If I choose to not engage in those thoughts that are harmful and take the time to reframe them into something positive, I can change what I believe about myself. I can change my perception. I can improve my self-esteem. Knowing this is even possible provides a glimmer of hope.

Is it going to happen overnight? Nope. Is it going to happen after 30 days of listening to a lady with a soft voice and an accent telling me to not engage? Nope. I have no idea how long it’s going to take. But if I can learn to trust in the process and just commit to trying and reframing the thoughts, it will happen. I wasn’t born with feelings of worthlessness. I wasn’t born with a fear of constantly disappointing people. Those thoughts developed over time and I allowed them to overpower me. I allowed them to become louder than the other voice inside me. The voice that says I am important, I am valuable, I am worthy. And I’m going to have to fight to take the power back. Fight long and fight hard.

Sometimes giving advice to others is easy but sometimes we need to apply the same lessons and advice to our own lives. More often than not, I think we already know this but resist it for whatever reason. When those thoughts start to pour in, I need to remind myself what I tell my mom – don’t engage.

It’s easy to log off social media, but there is no logging off from our brains. But if we can rewire and reconstruct the way we work and use the brain, we can find great benefits and ultimately live a smarter, healthier, more enjoyable life.

Who Am I?

One of my favorite parts of writing book reviews is the many books I’m introduced to along the way. While my favorite genre is thriller, I have had the opportunity to explore other categories and have read several books that I may never picked up. Some of the earliest books I reviewed were romance, both contemporary and historical, and I quickly fell in love with that genre. I even found a series about vampires that I enjoyed, and I now have other fantasy books on my to-be-read list.

For me, while the plot of each story determines if I pick up or skip over a book, I find as I read that the characters really make the story. The lead is usually someone relatable to the reader in some way. Being drawn to the protagonist, or hero of the story, is desirable because he or she is usually a person who is good yet flawed. We all want to be good and all of us are flawed. Their story is usually one that brings us a variety of feelings – happiness, love, compassion, whatever. We root for them and want them to succeed, and when they do, we celebrate as we would alongside a friend. We’ve spent hours with this person and have gotten to know intimate details of their life. Reading their story also often means we see them through a significant event or time and creates a strong connection to them.

I don’t like to admit it but in many cases, I find myself liking the antagonist, or the villain, as much as or more than the protagonist. They aren’t meant to be likeable but I think if we examine them closely, we might find a bit of ourselves in them, just as we do with the good guy, and maybe our opinion of them softens. One of my favorite antagonists, who I’ve come to describe as “fantastically disgusting,” is Skyler Marks from Rosemarie Aquilina’s novel Feel No Evil. NO ONE SHOULD LIKE THIS GUY!!! He does despicable things, he is manipulative as hell and he truly is evil. But there is some piece of him that I just cannot help but love.

As a writer, I’ve learned through reading that a unique story is not enough to make a good book. You need good characters. Creating a character similar to ourselves or someone we know or once knew might seem like an easy task, but it isn’t. The surface layer might be easy but peeling back that top layer and seeing what lies beneath has to be just as intriguing, if not more so. I guess you could say it’s similar to the phrase “it is what’s on the inside that counts.”

While characters are subjective, and each reader is going to like one type more than another, if the lead isn’t likeable by a wide audience, the book won’t work. I’ve worked hard on my first novel to make sure my lead is relatable and believable. No one is ALL good and no one is ALL bad. Finding that balance, as well as which piece of them will do best to drive the story forward, is a skill that doesn’t become perfected in one draft; it takes many.

My lead character is Dana, a woman in her mid-20s who leaves a long-term, abusive relationship without a word to anyone. After feeling stuck for years, she finally builds up enough strength to go. She has no real direction or destination; she’ll be there when she gets there and begin a new life. I know a lot of women, and some men, who can relate to her situation. The story is not uncommon, and unfortunately, it seems like getting out of these situations is uncommon. Is there anything particularly unique about Dana? Nope. But that is exactly what makes her relatable – her story is sad and, to some, it’s real. Even if it isn’t our story, it’s that of someone we know or love. It’s that of a friend or a relative or a co-worker. As Dana’s creator, I hope that her story inspires hope and provides strength. It was hard to write some parts of her story and I hope it’s hard to read. Not because I want people to feel pain, but because I want people to care for her. Her story is one that needs to be shared without shame because it is not her fault.

Her abuser, Kevin, is also not a one-of-a-kind. He’s a man with an ego and biceps who wants to be in control. He knows a better man is somewhere deep inside of him, and it’s evident when he and Dana are not alone and he’s a prince. Her family and friends love him. But behind closed doors, the hurt from his past takes over and he’s a monster. His story also needs to be shared because if we aren’t Kevin, we know someone who is. And often times, the abuser is quick and easy to blame. But the truth is, someone hurt them. Their behavior, while in their control, may not always be easy to tame. Their temper may flare and it’s the result of trauma. Does anyone REALLY want to be this way? Let’s hope not! And my hope for readers is they’ll learn something from Kevin, to either help themselves or others.

As I’ve gotten to know these characters, I’ve realized I have a bit of both of them in myself. Like Dana, I’m sure I’ve got a reserve of strength inside me that is waiting to be let loose. Like Kevin, though, I often have a hard time controlling my temper and managing it appropriately.

* * *

What I’ve also learned is important, and maybe even more challenging, is crafting a good cast of secondary characters. While they may not get as much page time as the lead character, we need them there for support. Some of my favorite characters among all the books I’ve read are in this group. They aren’t the feature or the front man, but their presence is critical. Characters are no different than us – we need a core group of people who help pick us up when we fall, call us out on our bullshit and are there for the triumphs and victories too.

How boring would a book be if we had only one character, or only two, or maybe just three? It might be more like reading a text exchange or eavesdropping on a phone conversation rather than watching a chapter of their lives unfold. It would change the experience entirely. Not to say if a book was done this way it couldn’t be or wouldn’t be any good. But none of us do life alone, and characters don’t either.

Rachel Dacus’s The Renaissance Club and Katherine Hastings’s Immortal Hearts series have phenomenal secondary characters! George from The Renaissance Club is likeable because he’s kind, intelligent and distinguished but he’s also a bit of a mystery to readers, which leaves us wanting more of him. And then there is Matt from the Immortal Hearts series who is beyond loveable. He’s funny, loves to have a good time and his fashion is always on point. While neither is the main character, the roles they play add an unforgettable dynamic to their respective stories.

As I move forward with my book, I find I like each of my characters for different reasons, but my favorite is Ross Drake. He and his brother Arthur meet Dana shortly after she moves and settles in a new town. Ross is 6 years older than Arthur, and though they are best friends as adults, their relationship wasn’t always amiable. Their father left when they were 14 and 8 years old, and because Ross was the oldest, he became the man of the house. He continued going to school during the day and worked evening and weekends to be sure Arthur and their mom had everything they needed.

Stepping into this role meant missing out on the later part of his childhood but the early lessons in responsibility and sacrifice greatly shaped the man he became. A man who is honest, dependable, and loyal.

Ross is my favorite for many reasons and, yes, I chose the name Ross because I love Friends. But that isn’t why he’s my favorite. I wrote him to be a good guy. One who loves hard, fully and without condition. He’s loyal, he’s hardworking and he’s kind. In many ways, I might be more like him than any other character in my book. I love hard in relationships. I want to help and be of service any time I can. I like to think that I am kind and loyal, and I’ve always been a hard worker.

These sound like fantastic traits but, for me, it also means I’m not good at setting boundaries. I trust until I’m given a reason not to and even then I have a tough time letting go and accepting that a relationship might be over. I focus so much on trying to please everyone else and make sure the people around me are happy and have everything they need. I don’t feel like I’m making a sacrifice but I leave myself behind and tell myself if someone has to do without or be unhappy, it should be me. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy.

Ross has the qualities and skills of any good leader – he’s educated, doesn’t act impulsively and he follows through. But he’s okay not being the center of attention, much like myself. I’m a person who likes to be at the party but I’d rather not be the guest of honor. I want to socialize a little and have fun and then go home. I don’t need to be the first to arrive or the last to leave. Being content is enough for Ross, and it’s enough for me.

Part of why I feel this way about myself is that I don’t believe I deserve any extra attention. I’m not that special or unique. I’m not “extra” in any way. I’m just a simple person. Unlike Ross, I tend to act impulsively sometimes, especially if I’m upset. I react instead of take time to think and often end up regretting and becoming apologetic for how I responded.

I also have a habit of overthinking which usually means I take myself on a long, self-destructive mental journey that ends up in a place I don’t like or want to be in. Ross’s patience and acceptance of any and everything that comes his way is a part of him that I envy. I’d love to take more time to relax, enjoy the moment I’m in, and carry around less worry.

* * *

I have finished one draft of this book, currently titled Fighting for Dana, and have edited almost the first dozen chapters, which is about a third of the entire manuscript. I want Dana to find happiness again because she deserves it. I want Kevin to find happiness and peace too. I think with a little tenderness and compassion he can be really loveable. And finally, I want for Ross to be able to find his place among readers without losing himself in the process. If I have the tools, as a creator, to help him do that, maybe I can learn a little something that will help me to live every day being the best version of myself.