My mom has often told me she doesn’t like social media, more specifically Facebook, because of the constant bickering between your “friends” and family. While I don’t disagree that a lot of this goes on, I remind her that she doesn’t have to engage in any exchange that she believes will cause her to get upset, angry, sad or otherwise; she has a choice to not engage. It’s also her choice to not have social media but having a social media account doesn’t mean you HAVE to argue.
I learned a long time ago if you post anything that can be disagreed with, be prepared for dissension. Often times, people argue about sensitive topics such as religion or politics. But I’ve been involved in arguments, actual heated arguments, over things as superficial as ice cream. I’ve never understood why some people find it difficult to see an opinion different than their own and just move on without engaging. What is the point of arguing? We’re allowed to have different opinions and we should be able to have them while still maintaining a level of respect for the other person.
I’ve found that if you are trying to convince the person to see your point of view and change their mind to align with your belief, it’s a waste of everyone’s time. People hold certain beliefs for a number a reasons. They could have been raised or influenced by their parents to hold that point of view. They could be uneducated about the other side. They could also feel passionately and have a personal reason for feeling the way they feel. Either way, trying to convince someone to change their belief simply because you disagree with it is not productive.
At any rate, it isn’t the presence of or participation in social media that creates disputes. It’s not reading or hearing an opinion different than your own that causes disagreements. It’s the act of engagement and the immersion of ourselves in the discussion that leads to arguments. Yes, we can all learn a lot if we take the time to listen to the other side and can gain a new perspective if we understand why someone may hold a different belief. But we don’t have to engage in these thoughts if it’s going to trap us in a seemingly endless cycle of no progression.
I’ve been using an app called Headspace every day for my mediation, and I recently completed a 30-day course that focuses on self-esteem. While the meditation portion is the same with each course, the different themes offer their own lessons. They open with a minute or so speaking about the theme of the course, begin the meditation time, and then end with repeating the key lesson and takeaway.
The self-esteem course isn’t designed to give you a brand new liking for yourself at the end of the course. That would be so nice! It’s designed to help you consider what is causing you to have negative thoughts or a poor image of yourself. Then it teaches you how to reframe those ideas to improve your thinking in order to shift your perception of yourself.
The problem is, in my case, I’ve gotten so used to beating myself up over small mistakes and speaking negatively to and about myself, that I am convinced these things are true. I believe I’m not worthy. I believe I’m a burden and a waste of time and space. I believe my voice, opinions and feelings are not important. I believe my happiness should not be a priority or a consideration.
That sounds dreadful and it is. But the good news is this – all of those are thoughts. That doesn’t mean their truths. If you examine the word “belief” or “believe,” right in the middle is the word LIE. And that’s what I’ve spent my life telling myself. Lies.
In some cases, I don’t have a full belief that these things are true, but I am uncertain about them. Do I matter? Is my existence valuable? Do I deserve to be happy? Am I a good mom? Sometimes I feel like the answer is yes but just as often, I feel like the answer is no.
The way I perceive and feel about myself really has nothing to do with social media. But what parallels is this – when I tell my mom she doesn’t have to engage with a discussion that will ultimately lead to an argument, she can move right past it and not let it ruin her day, I should be telling myself the same thing about what’s going on internally.
Instead of posting nasty or negative things on social media, I try to post something that is funny or inspiring. I try to use it as a tool to keep in touch with friends and family. I use it to be supportive of others. That is a CHOICE, and by treating it in this way, it doesn’t ruin my day. I see things every day I don’t agree with but I move on. I don’t engage.
What is going on my head is the complete opposite. I am engaging in the nastiness, the negativity and the destructive thoughts and ideas. I’m giving in to the lies rather than simply recognizing them and moving on. I’ve learned through mentors, therapists, mediation and people who have studied the brain for years that our brain is able to be manipulated. It isn’t solid like a rock; it’s more like Play-Doh, at least in the way we can use it.
If I choose to not engage in those thoughts that are harmful and take the time to reframe them into something positive, I can change what I believe about myself. I can change my perception. I can improve my self-esteem. Knowing this is even possible provides a glimmer of hope.
Is it going to happen overnight? Nope. Is it going to happen after 30 days of listening to a lady with a soft voice and an accent telling me to not engage? Nope. I have no idea how long it’s going to take. But if I can learn to trust in the process and just commit to trying and reframing the thoughts, it will happen. I wasn’t born with feelings of worthlessness. I wasn’t born with a fear of constantly disappointing people. Those thoughts developed over time and I allowed them to overpower me. I allowed them to become louder than the other voice inside me. The voice that says I am important, I am valuable, I am worthy. And I’m going to have to fight to take the power back. Fight long and fight hard.
Sometimes giving advice to others is easy but sometimes we need to apply the same lessons and advice to our own lives. More often than not, I think we already know this but resist it for whatever reason. When those thoughts start to pour in, I need to remind myself what I tell my mom – don’t engage.
It’s easy to log off social media, but there is no logging off from our brains. But if we can rewire and reconstruct the way we work and use the brain, we can find great benefits and ultimately live a smarter, healthier, more enjoyable life.
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