I’ve heard or seen someone say, almost every day since March, that 2020 has been a rough year. We all know that by now, and it certainly has given us challenges that no one could have anticipated. Our routines ended suddenly and we were all forced to adapt. We had to learn to do school differently, work differently, shop differently, socialize differently, live differently.
What made these unexpected obstacles even more difficult is that life outside of the pandemic did not slow down. All of the normal hardships of life continued to be thrown our way and, like everything else, we had to learn to cope and work through them differently.
So, yes, in many ways, 2020 has been a difficult year. But it’s also been a year to grow, to learn, and to discover. Some people began a new hobby or developed a new talent. Others used their extra time to catch up on projects they’d been putting off. Some people binged shows and movies on Netflix while others added books to their shelves. Whether you’ve done these or something different, I think at the end of the year we’ll all be able to say we’ve grown in some way.
For me, 2020 will be the year I lost my dad. It always will be, pandemic or not. He had cancer before the virus emerged and he would have died anyway. I fell into a pit of depression when he passed away and I honestly wasn’t sure I would survive. That probably sounds dramatic but it’s true. Every day since I was about 12, I’ve dealt with depression. It’s not a seasonal or situational depression, though sometimes it is worse than other times; it’s a diagnosed, clinical depression. It is a mental illness that I cannot escape.
It’s been a part of my life for so long that I’m not even sure who I would be, or am, without it. I don’t know what it’s like to live without constantly wondering if I’m enough. I don’t know how it feels to only cry when you have a reason to cry. I don’t know what it’s like to get a full night of sleep and not feel exhausted the next day. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up, declare it’s going to be a great day and have a great day. I don’t know any of these things because everything I know, everything I’ve done every single day for the last 3 decades, has been laced with depression.
When my father passed, depression didn’t take a step back and say, “You know what? She’s got enough to deal with without me. I’ll take a break.” It doesn’t work like that. I was so overcome with grief and overwhelmed with emotion and exhausted that I wanted my life to end. I truly did. And had we not all been sentenced to our homes and quarantined, I may have attempted to end it.
This year will always be one that brings up sad memories for me. But it will also be the year I started to make a breakthrough. In March I was invited to become a part of an online community and I met some incredible people. People I’ve learned to trust. People I’ve laughed and cried with. People who have inspired me and given me hope. People who have helped me realize that I am more powerful than my depression, and stronger and smarter than the lies it wants me to believe.
I started working with a mentor who urged me to start therapy. She told me find out who my insurance covers and start making phone calls. When I texted her the first day with the list of names and phone numbers I’d called, she said, “Good. Call more tomorrow.” And this went on until I had an appointment scheduled. I don’t remember the last time someone encouraged me to do something because it was good for me, and then followed up with me to be sure it got done.
I’ve never had individual therapy, and the small amount of group therapy I’ve had in the past wasn’t effective. I was fortunate, after making dozens of phone calls and only getting in touch with a handful of real people, to find a therapist who is a great fit for me. She’s got a good sense of humor, is a fan of puns, uses analogies to illustrate a point, and likes karaoke. If she wasn’t my therapist, we might be friends!
Aside from the fun stuff though, she challenges me. To expect more of and do more for myself. To reconsider ideas, open my mind and heart, and see new perspectives. To step outside my comfort zone, despite all of my whining and objections. I sincerely believe she wants happiness for me, because I deserve better and am capable of making it happen. I remember making an appointment with her and she said I had to take suicide attempts off the table. Thoughts are going to come through and she can’t stop those. She also can’t prevent the attempts; only I can do that. But if I was going to work with her, I needed to be in a place where I was ready to work and not just take the “easy” way out. She made it clear that if I wasn’t ready to work, she wasn’t the therapist for me.
The work with my mentor didn’t stop at finding a therapist. We did daily check-ins for a while, and then we moved to weekly check-ins. She’s given me exercises to do daily, like prayer, breath work, gratitude lists, self-affirmations, and journaling. She’s given me writing exercises that force me to look inward and examine where I’m holding myself back. She’s helped me recognize and admit that self-sabotage, pride, and ego are some of my biggest weaknesses.
She’s given me book recommendations, and turned me on to meditation and gives me different techniques to try. She has never discounted the severity of my depression, but she wants me to realize that I can take away its power if I work hard enough. She knows the work isn’t fun or easy, and she knows I don’t like some of it. She reminds me I won’t win this war in a day but also believes I can and will win if I continue to do the work. She assures me she is not going to abandon me and reminds me that I’m not fighting alone. But most of all, she believes in me.
I don’t know who or where I’ll be when 2020 ends and 2021 begins. But I do know that the cocoon I’ve been trapped in, that’s been so tightly wrapped around me for so long, will be a little looser. I will have grown. I will have learned. I will be a little bit closer to becoming the butterfly that I’m destined to be. And I believe that all of us – whether we’ve learned how to crochet a blanket, become a master chef or reawakened a childhood passion – have grown this year. Every single one of us has done something that we never imagined we could do. We are ALL becoming butterflies!
No comments:
Post a Comment