Ending the Nightmares

I recently started reading When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön. In one chapter she recounts a story of her best friend who began having nightmares in which she was being chased by monsters – running away from something scary and unfamiliar. Pema asked her if she’d ever turned around to look at them, to see them, to face them. She said no and Pema suggested in the next nightmare to turn around and run towards them rather than away. Her friend did just that and the nightmares ended.

The fascinating part of this story for me is that one even has the ability to control themselves within a dream. I always believed dreams were part of our subconscious and we simply had no influence on them. Yes, I know you can eat certain foods or do activities near bed time that could affect your dreams, but I didn’t know you could decide to perform a specific action and then actually do it.

Beyond that, it reminded me of the nightmares I had as a child. I don’t remember the number of years I had them but in addition to bad dreams, I experienced night terrors that included sleep walking. I don’t remember much about them, which I’ve heard is normal. I’ve been told most of the time when they happen, the person doesn’t even know they woke up the night before.

My mom told me in one instance I moved a chair or stool to the refrigerator to get a pair of scissors from the top. After I got them, I found a book and shredded it. Another story she told me was that I began to walk down the stairs in our house. A few steps down, I turned around and said to her “Mommy, this could be dangerous,” and then I continued going down. I’ve been told numerous times by friends and my father that I would often get up during the night and talk to the stove.

The only detail I actually remember about the experiences is that when I would sleepwalk, the room seemed as though it was infinitely large. It was solid white all around, pristine white floors and walls, and no matter how long or far I walked, I could never reach the wall.

When I read the passage in Chödrön’s book about her friend’s nightmares ending once she changed the narrative, it reminded me of when my nightmares and night terrors ended. It wasn’t exactly the same but it did involve making a conscious, concrete change. My mom had taken me to a therapist – I don’t know for how long or what her specialty was, or even how old I was. The one detail I vividly remember is her asking me if I had any toy monsters at home and if so, to bring her one.

My dad used to commission things out of metal and he had a large castle. We’d play with it, driving Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars through it, give residence to our dolls and animal figurines. I must have told him about my appointment, or my mom did, because I remember him giving me a tiny toy monster to take to the doctor. When I took it to her, she said something about making the monsters go away. Then she opened a drawer in the table beside her and pulled out a small metal box, about the size of a cash box. She lifted the lid, put the monster inside and locked the box. She then put the box back inside the drawer, slid the drawer shut and locked it. I’ve not had a nightmare since then.

I’ve been working with a mentor for almost a year now and she tells me repeatedly if I change the narrative, I can change the story, change my thought patterns, change my life. Ultimately, we all want to be happy but often times, our old habits are the very thing standing in our way. We’re self-sabotaging and have no idea we’re doing it. We aren’t aware because it’s what we’ve always done, and we’ve never been taught how to change it, that we have the power to change it.

She’s also told me that if I can accept pain, frustration, or any other emotion, the discomfort of it will soon disappear. I’ve tried this on a couple of occasions, most recently when symptoms of carpal tunnel flared in my right arm.

I played the flute for six years, all throughout middle and high school. I have worked a job involving a cash register or computer since I was 16. All of this repetitive motion led to having carpal tunnel. It was at its worse when I was in the last few months of my first pregnancy. There wasn’t much I could do at the time and my doctor said once the baby was born it would go away. And it did.

When the numbness and tingling began about a month ago and persisted for two weeks with no relief, I remembered my mentor's words - “accept it as it is." During my meditation session the next morning, I invited and welcomed the numbness, tingling and pain. Since that day, the symptoms have mostly resolved. Is it coincidence and they would have begun to resolve anyway? Perhaps. But there really is no way to know. What I do know is that I welcomed all of those things instead of wishing them away and they’ve gone. There are moments during the day where I experience mild symptoms but they are not persistent as they had been. This lesson also became valuable when my therapist said to focus on emotional acceptance.

I’ve asked my mentor on many occasions if she’s confident I have what it takes to change. She has complete, unwavering faith in me and when I am not able to trust myself and my own abilities, I remind myself that she believes in me. She’s no fool and would not be working with me and giving me her time and resources if she didn’t truly believe the return on her investment would be worth it.

As a small child, I’d go to bed every night wondering if I’d have another bad dream. I’d wake up wondering if my siblings woke up with me and sat and laughed at me again, as they often did. I’d wonder if they’d ever end. What I didn’t know to even think of at the time was what I could do to change it. Thankfully, there are people who do know we have the power within us to flip the script and who are willing to share how it can be done.

If I was less than ten years of age and unaware that, not only did I have the ability and power to change my life, but was able to do it, then surely now at 41 I can do the same. I can combat my negative thought patterns. I can make a conscious decision to do better, to do different, to do more, to do what is good for me, so that I can live the happy life that I deserve.