Two Long Journeys

I've been battling depression for almost three decades, and don't remember a time since the age of the thirteen that I haven't struggled. Sure, it's easy to wake up each day and declare "today is going to be a good day," and yes, there is some choice involved. But clinical depression can become all consuming, and sometimes it isn't simple to just do things. Some people fall to such a place where getting up to work, shower, or even get out of bed is a struggle.

While I’ve never been in that place and have always been able to do what needs to be done, I've had many days where nothing is wrong but I've still not been happy. On these days, I've made it a priority to make a list of things I'm grateful for and shift my focus to what is good, but it doesn't take away the underlying sadness. A lot of days I've felt like I'm doing nothing more than just staying afloat. My head is above water but the rest of my body feels like it's sinking.

I've had days where the easiest solution seemed to be ending it all - give in to and stop fighting the current that's trying to pull me under. It's a tug-of-war competition I've found myself in multiple times. It is not a fun place to be and it's not an easy place to escape. That's part of the reason I began writing. I was able to spill all my thoughts onto paper freely and without judgment. Great relief comes with just getting thoughts out of your head, and sometimes it feels as if a physical weight has been removed. When I learned how powerful writing could be, I really started to enjoy it.

The ironic part is that while I use writing as a way to help relieve the heavy stress that comes with depression, the task of writing becomes more difficult because of depression.

I’ve had a lifelong dream of becoming a published author because I enjoy stories, both fantasy and real, and there is a great escape that can only be found within the pages of a book. We are surrounded by millions and new ones are being released every day. I can form a sentence, spell words and have good grammar, so how hard can it be?

But it isn't simple. It's a lot more than forming a sentence, spelling well and using grammar correctly. Writing a novel takes a lot of time, skill, patience and persistence. It comes with its own set of hurdles. Overcoming depression is anything but easy. It is a long, arduous and exhausting process, and coupled together, these journeys clash more than they cooperate.

A well-written publication can get a lot of praise, but it also comes with a lot of exposure and criticism. Just as in any other aspect of my life, I've become my own worst critic when it comes to writing. Even on my best writing days, it’s not uncommon to find myself in a spiral of negative thoughts. Many are similar to what I frequently think about myself – I’m not good enough, I’m not worthy, my story isn’t worth telling, my feelings aren’t important, and on and on and on. I can write a paragraph, a page or a full chapter that I am really excited about, and the next minute completely talk myself out of continuing to write at all. I get so discouraged by one mistake or when I am not particularly happy with a scene and get driven to the point of wanting to give up.

I know writing a novel is difficult and often takes many rounds of editing, several sets of eyes to fine tune, and multiple drafts, and even then it’s far from perfect, especially in the eyes of the author.

But when I encounter one obstacle, depression completely consumes me and becomes the biggest obstacle of all. My ability to write well doesn’t diminish because of one poor paragraph. My love for writing doesn’t disappear because I’m unhappy with one scene.

What does go away is my desire to put myself out there, to be vulnerable. Depression takes over and tells me I’m not capable, I’m not smart enough, I’m wasting my time and I should quit. In these moments, it takes a lot of strength to persevere. I have to step back, breathe and evaluate the situation. I have to break down the process into its many steps and look at what I’ve accomplished rather than what I still need to do. The list of things left to do is usually the longer of the two, and I have to remind myself that no one completes their book all at once.

Overcoming depression is also a multi-step process and it won’t be done overnight. A mentor once told me “it’s not about perfection. It’s about progress.” I need to listen to her words and her voice and remind myself that doing one thing a day will help me finish both of these journeys. The most important thing is to just keep moving.