We're All Becoming Butterflies

I’ve heard or seen someone say, almost every day since March, that 2020 has been a rough year. We all know that by now, and it certainly has given us challenges that no one could have anticipated. Our routines ended suddenly and we were all forced to adapt. We had to learn to do school differently, work differently, shop differently, socialize differently, live differently.

What made these unexpected obstacles even more difficult is that life outside of the pandemic did not slow down. All of the normal hardships of life continued to be thrown our way and, like everything else, we had to learn to cope and work through them differently.

So, yes, in many ways, 2020 has been a difficult year. But it’s also been a year to grow, to learn, and to discover. Some people began a new hobby or developed a new talent. Others used their extra time to catch up on projects they’d been putting off. Some people binged shows and movies on Netflix while others added books to their shelves. Whether you’ve done these or something different, I think at the end of the year we’ll all be able to say we’ve grown in some way.

For me, 2020 will be the year I lost my dad. It always will be, pandemic or not. He had cancer before the virus emerged and he would have died anyway. I fell into a pit of depression when he passed away and I honestly wasn’t sure I would survive. That probably sounds dramatic but it’s true. Every day since I was about 12, I’ve dealt with depression. It’s not a seasonal or situational depression, though sometimes it is worse than other times; it’s a diagnosed, clinical depression. It is a mental illness that I cannot escape.

It’s been a part of my life for so long that I’m not even sure who I would be, or am, without it. I don’t know what it’s like to live without constantly wondering if I’m enough. I don’t know how it feels to only cry when you have a reason to cry. I don’t know what it’s like to get a full night of sleep and not feel exhausted the next day. I don’t know what it’s like to wake up, declare it’s going to be a great day and have a great day. I don’t know any of these things because everything I know, everything I’ve done every single day for the last 3 decades, has been laced with depression.

When my father passed, depression didn’t take a step back and say, “You know what? She’s got enough to deal with without me. I’ll take a break.” It doesn’t work like that. I was so overcome with grief and overwhelmed with emotion and exhausted that I wanted my life to end. I truly did. And had we not all been sentenced to our homes and quarantined, I may have attempted to end it.

This year will always be one that brings up sad memories for me. But it will also be the year I started to make a breakthrough. In March I was invited to become a part of an online community and I met some incredible people. People I’ve learned to trust. People I’ve laughed and cried with. People who have inspired me and given me hope. People who have helped me realize that I am more powerful than my depression, and stronger and smarter than the lies it wants me to believe.

I started working with a mentor who urged me to start therapy. She told me find out who my insurance covers and start making phone calls. When I texted her the first day with the list of names and phone numbers I’d called, she said, “Good. Call more tomorrow.” And this went on until I had an appointment scheduled. I don’t remember the last time someone encouraged me to do something because it was good for me, and then followed up with me to be sure it got done.

I’ve never had individual therapy, and the small amount of group therapy I’ve had in the past wasn’t effective. I was fortunate, after making dozens of phone calls and only getting in touch with a handful of real people, to find a therapist who is a great fit for me. She’s got a good sense of humor, is a fan of puns, uses analogies to illustrate a point, and likes karaoke. If she wasn’t my therapist, we might be friends!

Aside from the fun stuff though, she challenges me. To expect more of and do more for myself. To reconsider ideas, open my mind and heart, and see new perspectives. To step outside my comfort zone, despite all of my whining and objections. I sincerely believe she wants happiness for me, because I deserve better and am capable of making it happen. I remember making an appointment with her and she said I had to take suicide attempts off the table. Thoughts are going to come through and she can’t stop those. She also can’t prevent the attempts; only I can do that. But if I was going to work with her, I needed to be in a place where I was ready to work and not just take the “easy” way out. She made it clear that if I wasn’t ready to work, she wasn’t the therapist for me.

The work with my mentor didn’t stop at finding a therapist. We did daily check-ins for a while, and then we moved to weekly check-ins. She’s given me exercises to do daily, like prayer, breath work, gratitude lists, self-affirmations, and journaling. She’s given me writing exercises that force me to look inward and examine where I’m holding myself back. She’s helped me recognize and admit that self-sabotage, pride, and ego are some of my biggest weaknesses.

She’s given me book recommendations, and turned me on to meditation and gives me different techniques to try. She has never discounted the severity of my depression, but she wants me to realize that I can take away its power if I work hard enough. She knows the work isn’t fun or easy, and she knows I don’t like some of it. She reminds me I won’t win this war in a day but also believes I can and will win if I continue to do the work. She assures me she is not going to abandon me and reminds me that I’m not fighting alone. But most of all, she believes in me.

I don’t know who or where I’ll be when 2020 ends and 2021 begins. But I do know that the cocoon I’ve been trapped in, that’s been so tightly wrapped around me for so long, will be a little looser. I will have grown. I will have learned. I will be a little bit closer to becoming the butterfly that I’m destined to be. And I believe that all of us – whether we’ve learned how to crochet a blanket, become a master chef or reawakened a childhood passion – have grown this year. Every single one of us has done something that we never imagined we could do. We are ALL becoming butterflies!

 

 

 

How am I Powerful?

Five weeks ago, my mentor assigned me the task of writing down, three times a day, three things I am grateful for and three positive statements about myself. I dreaded this assignment. It's easy to think of several things I'm grateful for but thinking beyond food, water, shelter and a job every day requires thinking a bit deeper. A lot of them have been things we often take for granted - a good bed to sleep in, three meals a day, plus snacks if we want, fast and reliable internet service, etc. Other times I've written included things that required a shift in thinking. For example, instead of feeling overwhelmed by the seemingly endless piles of laundry, I can be grateful we have clothes to wear every day. We have the resources to wash and dry our clothes. We have the ability to buy new clothes when we need them. 

I think my favorite one so far has been my neck. Yes, my neck. It's just a neck. But when you're 5'2'' sun visors in the car don't work. Instead, you have the seat as far forward and as high up as you can make it, the visor flipped down, your posture is straighter than ever and you stretch your neck as far as possible to get some relief from the sun. Without a neck, this wouldn't be possible and instead you'd be a hazard on the road. I know they make sunglasses but adult ones are too big for me and the pairs made for children are too small. I have the same issue with hats. I don't fit!

The other part of this exercise - which I anticipated ending after a week - has been more difficult. Prior to suggesting I write three positive statements about myself, she told me I wasn't going to like the assignment. She was 100 percent correct. I don't like it at all and wasn't sure I'd be able to do it even once. I don't like myself much. I think I am likable at times, but my overall opinion of myself is quite poor. She told me to take the negative things I think about myself and write the opposite. I can't use things I already believe, like I'm funny, good at math and punctual. I have to rewire my brain by turning the destructive thoughts into something that will move me in a positive direction.

Coming up with the bad thoughts was easy and flipping them upside down wasn't difficult either. The hard part, which I'm told will happen over time, is believing these things. I've written things like my feelings are important, I matter, I deserve happiness, I'm not a burden, and I am enough. 

At my last therapy session, I shared that I'd been doing this and that I felt uncertain about whether or not they were true rather than not believing them at all. She asked me for examples of things I'd written about myself. I told her one of them was "I am powerful," and she asked me if there was any part of that statement that I DID believe. 

I told her that for as many years as I've been fighting depression and as heavy as it feels some days, I've always been able to get out of bed, get to school or work, bathe myself and eat, and take care of my kids. I know there are people who are not able to do these things because just getting out of bed is exhausting, and anything beyond that seems impossible. I've been fortunate that I've never been in that place, so in that respect maybe I am powerful.This also gave me a new perspective that as hard as some days are, I certainly could have worse days.

I'm on day 32 of this assignment have almost 100 positive statements about myself. In all honesty, I am still unsure about the truthfulness of each one. But if I can ask myself the same question my therapist asked about each one, and find one piece of every statement that I believe, perhaps one day I will fully believe all of them, and know without a doubt that I am powerful.

Disconnected Thoughts

My mom has often told me she doesn’t like social media, more specifically Facebook, because of the constant bickering between your “friends” and family. While I don’t disagree that a lot of this goes on, I remind her that she doesn’t have to engage in any exchange that she believes will cause her to get upset, angry, sad or otherwise; she has a choice to not engage. It’s also her choice to not have social media but having a social media account doesn’t mean you HAVE to argue.

I learned a long time ago if you post anything that can be disagreed with, be prepared for dissension. Often times, people argue about sensitive topics such as religion or politics. But I’ve been involved in arguments, actual heated arguments, over things as superficial as ice cream. I’ve never understood why some people find it difficult to see an opinion different than their own and just move on without engaging. What is the point of arguing? We’re allowed to have different opinions and we should be able to have them while still maintaining a level of respect for the other person.

I’ve found that if you are trying to convince the person to see your point of view and change their mind to align with your belief, it’s a waste of everyone’s time. People hold certain beliefs for a number a reasons. They could have been raised or influenced by their parents to hold that point of view. They could be uneducated about the other side. They could also feel passionately and have a personal reason for feeling the way they feel. Either way, trying to convince someone to change their belief simply because you disagree with it is not productive.

At any rate, it isn’t the presence of or participation in social media that creates disputes. It’s not reading or hearing an opinion different than your own that causes disagreements. It’s the act of engagement and the immersion of ourselves in the discussion that leads to arguments. Yes, we can all learn a lot if we take the time to listen to the other side and can gain a new perspective if we understand why someone may hold a different belief. But we don’t have to engage in these thoughts if it’s going to trap us in a seemingly endless cycle of no progression.

I’ve been using an app called Headspace every day for my mediation, and I recently completed a 30-day course that focuses on self-esteem. While the meditation portion is the same with each course, the different themes offer their own lessons. They open with a minute or so speaking about the theme of the course, begin the meditation time, and then end with repeating the key lesson and takeaway.

The self-esteem course isn’t designed to give you a brand new liking for yourself at the end of the course. That would be so nice! It’s designed to help you consider what is causing you to have negative thoughts or a poor image of yourself. Then it teaches you how to reframe those ideas to improve your thinking in order to shift your perception of yourself.

The problem is, in my case, I’ve gotten so used to beating myself up over small mistakes and speaking negatively to and about myself, that I am convinced these things are true. I believe I’m not worthy. I believe I’m a burden and a waste of time and space. I believe my voice, opinions and feelings are not important. I believe my happiness should not be a priority or a consideration.

That sounds dreadful and it is. But the good news is this – all of those are thoughts. That doesn’t mean their truths. If you examine the word “belief” or “believe,” right in the middle is the word LIE. And that’s what I’ve spent my life telling myself. Lies.

In some cases, I don’t have a full belief that these things are true, but I am uncertain about them. Do I matter? Is my existence valuable? Do I deserve to be happy? Am I a good mom? Sometimes I feel like the answer is yes but just as often, I feel like the answer is no.

The way I perceive and feel about myself really has nothing to do with social media. But what parallels is this – when I tell my mom she doesn’t have to engage with a discussion that will ultimately lead to an argument, she can move right past it and not let it ruin her day, I should be telling myself the same thing about what’s going on internally.

Instead of posting nasty or negative things on social media, I try to post something that is funny or inspiring. I try to use it as a tool to keep in touch with friends and family. I use it to be supportive of others. That is a CHOICE, and by treating it in this way, it doesn’t ruin my day. I see things every day I don’t agree with but I move on. I don’t engage.

What is going on my head is the complete opposite. I am engaging in the nastiness, the negativity and the destructive thoughts and ideas. I’m giving in to the lies rather than simply recognizing them and moving on. I’ve learned through mentors, therapists, mediation and people who have studied the brain for years that our brain is able to be manipulated. It isn’t solid like a rock; it’s more like Play-Doh, at least in the way we can use it.

If I choose to not engage in those thoughts that are harmful and take the time to reframe them into something positive, I can change what I believe about myself. I can change my perception. I can improve my self-esteem. Knowing this is even possible provides a glimmer of hope.

Is it going to happen overnight? Nope. Is it going to happen after 30 days of listening to a lady with a soft voice and an accent telling me to not engage? Nope. I have no idea how long it’s going to take. But if I can learn to trust in the process and just commit to trying and reframing the thoughts, it will happen. I wasn’t born with feelings of worthlessness. I wasn’t born with a fear of constantly disappointing people. Those thoughts developed over time and I allowed them to overpower me. I allowed them to become louder than the other voice inside me. The voice that says I am important, I am valuable, I am worthy. And I’m going to have to fight to take the power back. Fight long and fight hard.

Sometimes giving advice to others is easy but sometimes we need to apply the same lessons and advice to our own lives. More often than not, I think we already know this but resist it for whatever reason. When those thoughts start to pour in, I need to remind myself what I tell my mom – don’t engage.

It’s easy to log off social media, but there is no logging off from our brains. But if we can rewire and reconstruct the way we work and use the brain, we can find great benefits and ultimately live a smarter, healthier, more enjoyable life.

Who Am I?

One of my favorite parts of writing book reviews is the many books I’m introduced to along the way. While my favorite genre is thriller, I have had the opportunity to explore other categories and have read several books that I may never picked up. Some of the earliest books I reviewed were romance, both contemporary and historical, and I quickly fell in love with that genre. I even found a series about vampires that I enjoyed, and I now have other fantasy books on my to-be-read list.

For me, while the plot of each story determines if I pick up or skip over a book, I find as I read that the characters really make the story. The lead is usually someone relatable to the reader in some way. Being drawn to the protagonist, or hero of the story, is desirable because he or she is usually a person who is good yet flawed. We all want to be good and all of us are flawed. Their story is usually one that brings us a variety of feelings – happiness, love, compassion, whatever. We root for them and want them to succeed, and when they do, we celebrate as we would alongside a friend. We’ve spent hours with this person and have gotten to know intimate details of their life. Reading their story also often means we see them through a significant event or time and creates a strong connection to them.

I don’t like to admit it but in many cases, I find myself liking the antagonist, or the villain, as much as or more than the protagonist. They aren’t meant to be likeable but I think if we examine them closely, we might find a bit of ourselves in them, just as we do with the good guy, and maybe our opinion of them softens. One of my favorite antagonists, who I’ve come to describe as “fantastically disgusting,” is Skyler Marks from Rosemarie Aquilina’s novel Feel No Evil. NO ONE SHOULD LIKE THIS GUY!!! He does despicable things, he is manipulative as hell and he truly is evil. But there is some piece of him that I just cannot help but love.

As a writer, I’ve learned through reading that a unique story is not enough to make a good book. You need good characters. Creating a character similar to ourselves or someone we know or once knew might seem like an easy task, but it isn’t. The surface layer might be easy but peeling back that top layer and seeing what lies beneath has to be just as intriguing, if not more so. I guess you could say it’s similar to the phrase “it is what’s on the inside that counts.”

While characters are subjective, and each reader is going to like one type more than another, if the lead isn’t likeable by a wide audience, the book won’t work. I’ve worked hard on my first novel to make sure my lead is relatable and believable. No one is ALL good and no one is ALL bad. Finding that balance, as well as which piece of them will do best to drive the story forward, is a skill that doesn’t become perfected in one draft; it takes many.

My lead character is Dana, a woman in her mid-20s who leaves a long-term, abusive relationship without a word to anyone. After feeling stuck for years, she finally builds up enough strength to go. She has no real direction or destination; she’ll be there when she gets there and begin a new life. I know a lot of women, and some men, who can relate to her situation. The story is not uncommon, and unfortunately, it seems like getting out of these situations is uncommon. Is there anything particularly unique about Dana? Nope. But that is exactly what makes her relatable – her story is sad and, to some, it’s real. Even if it isn’t our story, it’s that of someone we know or love. It’s that of a friend or a relative or a co-worker. As Dana’s creator, I hope that her story inspires hope and provides strength. It was hard to write some parts of her story and I hope it’s hard to read. Not because I want people to feel pain, but because I want people to care for her. Her story is one that needs to be shared without shame because it is not her fault.

Her abuser, Kevin, is also not a one-of-a-kind. He’s a man with an ego and biceps who wants to be in control. He knows a better man is somewhere deep inside of him, and it’s evident when he and Dana are not alone and he’s a prince. Her family and friends love him. But behind closed doors, the hurt from his past takes over and he’s a monster. His story also needs to be shared because if we aren’t Kevin, we know someone who is. And often times, the abuser is quick and easy to blame. But the truth is, someone hurt them. Their behavior, while in their control, may not always be easy to tame. Their temper may flare and it’s the result of trauma. Does anyone REALLY want to be this way? Let’s hope not! And my hope for readers is they’ll learn something from Kevin, to either help themselves or others.

As I’ve gotten to know these characters, I’ve realized I have a bit of both of them in myself. Like Dana, I’m sure I’ve got a reserve of strength inside me that is waiting to be let loose. Like Kevin, though, I often have a hard time controlling my temper and managing it appropriately.

* * *

What I’ve also learned is important, and maybe even more challenging, is crafting a good cast of secondary characters. While they may not get as much page time as the lead character, we need them there for support. Some of my favorite characters among all the books I’ve read are in this group. They aren’t the feature or the front man, but their presence is critical. Characters are no different than us – we need a core group of people who help pick us up when we fall, call us out on our bullshit and are there for the triumphs and victories too.

How boring would a book be if we had only one character, or only two, or maybe just three? It might be more like reading a text exchange or eavesdropping on a phone conversation rather than watching a chapter of their lives unfold. It would change the experience entirely. Not to say if a book was done this way it couldn’t be or wouldn’t be any good. But none of us do life alone, and characters don’t either.

Rachel Dacus’s The Renaissance Club and Katherine Hastings’s Immortal Hearts series have phenomenal secondary characters! George from The Renaissance Club is likeable because he’s kind, intelligent and distinguished but he’s also a bit of a mystery to readers, which leaves us wanting more of him. And then there is Matt from the Immortal Hearts series who is beyond loveable. He’s funny, loves to have a good time and his fashion is always on point. While neither is the main character, the roles they play add an unforgettable dynamic to their respective stories.

As I move forward with my book, I find I like each of my characters for different reasons, but my favorite is Ross Drake. He and his brother Arthur meet Dana shortly after she moves and settles in a new town. Ross is 6 years older than Arthur, and though they are best friends as adults, their relationship wasn’t always amiable. Their father left when they were 14 and 8 years old, and because Ross was the oldest, he became the man of the house. He continued going to school during the day and worked evening and weekends to be sure Arthur and their mom had everything they needed.

Stepping into this role meant missing out on the later part of his childhood but the early lessons in responsibility and sacrifice greatly shaped the man he became. A man who is honest, dependable, and loyal.

Ross is my favorite for many reasons and, yes, I chose the name Ross because I love Friends. But that isn’t why he’s my favorite. I wrote him to be a good guy. One who loves hard, fully and without condition. He’s loyal, he’s hardworking and he’s kind. In many ways, I might be more like him than any other character in my book. I love hard in relationships. I want to help and be of service any time I can. I like to think that I am kind and loyal, and I’ve always been a hard worker.

These sound like fantastic traits but, for me, it also means I’m not good at setting boundaries. I trust until I’m given a reason not to and even then I have a tough time letting go and accepting that a relationship might be over. I focus so much on trying to please everyone else and make sure the people around me are happy and have everything they need. I don’t feel like I’m making a sacrifice but I leave myself behind and tell myself if someone has to do without or be unhappy, it should be me. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy.

Ross has the qualities and skills of any good leader – he’s educated, doesn’t act impulsively and he follows through. But he’s okay not being the center of attention, much like myself. I’m a person who likes to be at the party but I’d rather not be the guest of honor. I want to socialize a little and have fun and then go home. I don’t need to be the first to arrive or the last to leave. Being content is enough for Ross, and it’s enough for me.

Part of why I feel this way about myself is that I don’t believe I deserve any extra attention. I’m not that special or unique. I’m not “extra” in any way. I’m just a simple person. Unlike Ross, I tend to act impulsively sometimes, especially if I’m upset. I react instead of take time to think and often end up regretting and becoming apologetic for how I responded.

I also have a habit of overthinking which usually means I take myself on a long, self-destructive mental journey that ends up in a place I don’t like or want to be in. Ross’s patience and acceptance of any and everything that comes his way is a part of him that I envy. I’d love to take more time to relax, enjoy the moment I’m in, and carry around less worry.

* * *

I have finished one draft of this book, currently titled Fighting for Dana, and have edited almost the first dozen chapters, which is about a third of the entire manuscript. I want Dana to find happiness again because she deserves it. I want Kevin to find happiness and peace too. I think with a little tenderness and compassion he can be really loveable. And finally, I want for Ross to be able to find his place among readers without losing himself in the process. If I have the tools, as a creator, to help him do that, maybe I can learn a little something that will help me to live every day being the best version of myself.

Therapy is My Jam

When I started therapy four months ago, I really wasn't sure what to expect from it. I was well overdue to start treatment but was resistant to making an appointment. I have a hard time talking to strangers and an even more difficult time addressing my feelings. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to someone I didn't know about the thoughts and emotions that had consumed my life. 

Prior to making my first appointment, she and I spoke for nearly an hour on the phone. She asked a lot of questions, listened intently and agreed to take me on as a patient. But there was a condition - thinking about or attempting suicide needed to be taken off the table. When I feel the thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness start to pour in, I had to promise to find a way to overcome them using the tools I've been given before. Anything from taking a moment to pause and breathe to taking a walk by myself to reaching out to a friend. If I wasn't willing to do those things, she wasn't going to see me.

I don't know if this is her way or a normal thing that therapists do, but after talking to her and sharing my history and where I was at the time, I felt comfortable enough with her to make that promise. This agreement, in no way, was a guarantee that those thoughts would not arise again, and it didn't mean she wouldn't help me through them. It just meant that if she was going to invest in me, I needed to be willing to work and not go for the easy way out.

We made an appointment for the following week. My comfort level going in was somewhere in the middle. I knew I'd be able to talk to her but I'd never done one-on-one therapy. The only therapy I'd ever had, in fact, was almost twenty years ago, short term and in a group setting. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. Is it like an interview and I answer questions for an hour? Is it a back-and-forth exchange? Do I just start word vomiting? I had no idea. 

She made it easy and started by asking about basic things - family dynamic as a child and family dynamic now, what close personal relationships I have, special interests, and so on. We discussed a friendship that I'd watch dissolve about six months prior and that was the end of session one. FYI - if you're my friend, she probably knows your name.

As the weeks went on, the topics became more sensitive and tougher to navigate. I was there to get out of this pit of depression I'd found myself in following my dad's death. I was there to learn how to become more assertive and communicate better. I didn't go to figure out why I hated myself, why I had trouble trusting people and relationships, why I never felt good enough or worthy. But this is where we are and how therapy became my jam. What I thought was something that was meant to fix me and help me move forward had somehow become something that got in my way.

I'm not saying I feel trapped by therapy, because I don't. I love my therapist, even more so after she told me she likes when I'm oppositional! I just didn't expect to find myself in a place, after four months, where it feels like I've made little to no progress. 

I've come out of almost every session completely exhausted and most times we've only touched on one or two subjects. I understand the reason for taking it slow and not trying to conquer it all at once. But week after week of having no real idea of whether or not it's working is frustrating. I'm a person who likes to see immediate, tangible results. I have used the comparison that maybe the progress I see myself making is like watching my own child grow - I don't notice it because I see it all the time. In a time when we aren't isolated from others, I'd be able to ask others if they've noticed anything. But the only regular human connection I have outside of my family that I live with is on Zoom. Yes, you can form real relationships on virtual platforms and some of my dearest friends have come via Zoom since quarantine began in March and through social media. But is this really the best way to gauge progress?

I knew going into my first appointment that overcoming nearly four decades of this pattern of thinking wasn't going to be quick or easy. She told me over the phone to expect a minimum of six months to a year of treatment, with sessions being weekly. That seemed like a really long time estimate in May, but at four months in, I'm not sure it's going to be anywhere near enough.

I am also aware and okay with one thing not being the fix-all for a problem. In addition to therapy, I have been working with a mentor. Between the two of them, I'm spending a lot of time doing homework that often includes writing but always involves introspection. I don't enjoy any of it, to be honest. But I know that working outside of therapy sessions is necessary. If I only devoted an hour a week to fixing myself, a self that's been broken for 40 years, I'd be dead before I made any progress at all. 

While this work is not fun or easy, I know when I do it that it is being suggested by someone who cares about me and my wellness. I've spent the majority of my life wondering if anyone would ever come along that truly cared for me. I know they care because they hold me accountable and tell me they're proud of me, but they also extend grace when I mess up. 

I started taking medication about three months ago, and this is the first time I've ever had someone that's properly managed it. Finding the right medication and the right dose is a lot of trial and error, and without someone to monitor it, finding the right fit can take even longer. I started on a low dose and after dealing with a few minor side effects for a week or so, but generally tolerating it well, we gradually increased the dose. It seemed it was improving my overall mood and the dark thoughts faded for a while. But now I'm starting to see myself where I was when I started therapy, and I'm not sure this medication is the right one. Being on a medication for three months only to find I have to start over with something else is discouraging and only adds to my frustration. 

One of the first things my therapist said to me that it was sad that in all of the years I've battled depression, I've never had individual therapy or properly managed medication. She followed that by saying "that means there is a reason to hope. We have another option." Seeing a situation from a different perspective is one of the greatest lessons I've learned from working with a therapist and a mentor. If I can learn to do that in all things, I can beat this battle. I can win this war. I can change these broken patterns.

Perhaps my true frustrations with therapy aren't from therapy at all but from my own skepticism. I don't trust people, even the ones that have never let me down. I don't trust processes, even the ones that are new and untried. I don't trust the possibility of progress taking place when there is nothing to prove to me that it has.

 

(no body)

In the few weeks immediately following my father's death in April, my sister and I exchanged a series of emails with the Indiana National Guard to obtain my father's service and discharge info. A lot of the emails she sent were attachment only and no text, and when the message came through it said "(no body)." I chuckled a bit at the irony because he was already deceased. I also cringed a bit because he had been cremated and there was, in fact, no body. Apologies for the morbidity, but that's my sense of humor!

Though I've dealt with my fair share of losing loved ones, none hit me harder than the loss of my father. He and I were very close, despite living hundreds of miles apart for most of my life. He always kept in touch, by phone call mostly. When he lived nearby, we spent a lot of time with him. I remember sitting in an upstairs room, that somehow became our designated play area, playing a Harlem Globetrotters board game, creating Spirograph drawings and sticking and resticking images to Colorforms. He frequently took us camping or to my grandparents' house where we got to visit with our cousins and fight over who got to sleep in the cold room or butter toast the next morning. 

We spent numerous hours at screenprinting shops where he worked as an artist, inhaling an overwhelming amount of paint fumes that at some point became comforting. I remember meeting Bob and Tom, the nationally syndicated morning radio show hosts, and thinking their car was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. I don't know the model but one side was painted solid pink and the other side was camouflage. 

We took our first airplane ride when he moved to Georgia and knowing how much he hated to fly, I'm sure he was pacing and cursing the entire time he waited for us to arrive safely. Although he didn't enjoy flying himself, he always had a deep love for airplanes, mostly older ones. He told me once he had gone skydiving with some friends. I remember asking if he didn't like flying, why would he do that? He said it wasn't the flying that scared him. It was the taking off and landing that made him uncomfortable. I considered this and I don't know if he knew some stats that indicated those two times were less safe than airtime, but it made sense. When I turned 18, he took me skydiving and it will always be an unforgettable experience.

After he moved to North Carolina, I was in college, becoming an adult, getting married and having kids, and the visits became less frequent. It was more difficult for us to travel because of the extra considerations of having three kids to manage. He was getting older, still hated to fly, and the long car rides became tiring. But we never lost contact. 

We started talking more often on the phone and our bond grew even more with our shared love of football. I hadn't realized until this time he loved the Indianapolis Colts, and being an Indy native and lifelong resident, they became my natural choice of who to root for. I can't speak for him and when he started cheering for his local team the Carolina Panthers but for me it was when they drafted Luke Kuechly. I just thought he was cute. No other reason. But it gave my dad and I yet another thing we could talk about and bond over. 

Him being in North Carolina also meant I wouldn't have to search around for Panthers gear. He would be out and pick up things as he saw them and shortly after, I'd find a package on my doorstep. I remember one year he bought me a black Kuechly jersey within a few days of my husband buying me a white one. 

These tangible, though small and seemingly insignificant times, become the most special after someone passes. But even after they've died, when there is no physical body that we can see, smell and touch, we are reminded that they aren't really gone. What is a body anyway except a medium that allows us to experience life on Earth? Because the true person is not a body at all but what's inside their heart, their mind, their soul.

I've been having trouble sleeping for some time and the weeks following my dad's death were no exception. Two weeks after he died, I had a dream about him. He walked into a small room, one much like you'd find in a nursing home, and sat in a chair and began to tell a story. I don't remember the specific details of the story but I remember his voice. It was in the dream as it was in real life. When I heard his voice, I sat up and asked if he was really there. He stood up, walked across the room and sat beside me on the bed. He was wearing a yellow t-shirt, cargo shorts and his signature fishing hat, and he looked as healthy as I'd ever seen him. He said he was visiting the people he loved and I asked if he was okay. His response was short but enough. He said "it's beautiful here." 

A couple days later, my cousin stopped by with a small gift bag. Beneath the tissue paper, I found a small album of photos she'd put together of my dad and a small figure of a bird on a rock. My dad was a nature lover and he had an abundance of bird feeders in the yard of every house he lived in. The tricky part was keeping the squirrels out. Across the bottom of the rock were the words "life is beautiful." My cousin hadn't yet heard about my dream and there was absolutely no way she could have known what he said to me, unless he'd also visited her.

When my sister and I prepared to drive to North Carolina to go through his belongings, we went to the airport to pick up a rental car. When we left, there was the full arch of a rainbow across the sky. I've seen many rainbows and some double rainbows, but this was the first time I'd ever seen a complete arch. I had promised to call my mentor before we left town to check in and was ready to call her after witnessing this amazing sight. I picked up my phone and there was a notification of a text from her asking if it was a good time to talk. 

When we got to my dad's a couple days later, within minutes of our arrival, a cardinal settled on the railing of the front porch. At one point in the evening, with emotions running high and exhaustion beginning to settle in, I sat alone on the back porch of his home and a deer casually walked into his yard. 

To honor his memory and his love of nature, on Father's Day this year we planted a tree in our back yard. I do not have even a hint of a green thumb so I needed something low maintenance. I found one whose primary demand was a lot of water. Before I had even covered its spot back over with the dirt and mulch, rain began to fall. I finished up and when I returned inside, I saw a cardinal hovering around it. 

A couple weeks ago, I settled into my space in the garage for a weekly Zoom chat. I'd been having a series of dreams in the days prior that each featured a different car my dad had once owned. I was ready to share these dreams and what they meant to me with my friends and within 30 seconds of sitting down, another cardinal arrived. It didn't stay long, only as long as I needed to spot it, but he was there.

Along with his love of baseball, football, nature and art, he also had an appreciation and compassion for Native Americans. He made regular contributions to help preserve their reservations. As a thank you, he'd receive small items and trinkets in the mail. Sometimes they were blankets or books; other times it was mailing labels, dream catchers and small toys the children had made. He smiled at all of it, and held on to it because you just never know when you might need any of those things. Some of the toys or blankets he gave to my kids, but he mostly held on to stuff. He had a lot of stuff!

I am not aware of any Native American ancestry in our family but I haven't researched, so I'm not sure where his interest in them came from. But he was just that kind of man. He cared. He would learn just to learn. Unfortunately, I do not have that same kind of enthusiasm about learning and do it when it's a necessity but rarely just for fun. I don't know anything about Native Americans, not much anyway, so I'm not sure if there is any truth to the dream I had last week or not. What I do know is that it was another reminder from my dad that he will always be with me.

We were shopping and went into a small shop, much like one you'd find at an airport. Not too big but full of various things. This one had mostly sports paraphernalia, and also some custom art pieces. One collection of art was made by a Native American tribe and for me, my dad selected a wooden oval plaque. The front featured a buffalo and the owner of the store told us, to the tribe that made it, the buffalo means peace. Again, I don't know if that is truth or not, but I'd like to believe it is until someone tells me otherwise. I'd like to interpret this visit from my father as him telling me not only is he at peace, but that he also wants me to find peace. 

I've been working for almost the past year to really get in control of my happiness and my life. I've been working with a mentor and a therapist, and have been taking more time to do the things I enjoy. But it's been a struggle. We're in really uncertain times as a world right now, and when you mesh a pandemic, clinical depression and grief all together, it's chaos. Many days I want to quit doing the work because I'm usually tired, most of it is hard and none of it is fun. But knowing my dad is with me every step of the way and he wants me to be at peace, I have to persevere.

I experienced a lot with and learned even more from my dad while he was here with us. But it's these reminders of his continued presence with me after his passing that are becoming more unforgettable than the tangible, real experiences.They're each powerful in their own way and although they're all unique, there is an element of him in each one. 

Offal Writing

I think it's normal as writers, or as any artist, to become our own worst critic and not believe our product is worth much or anything at all. I write because I love it. I don't write to attract a mass of readers or fans. I don't write to please, advise or educate anyone. I write simply because I enjoy it.

When someone compliments the piece, whether it's a blog, short story or whatever, of course it feels nice. When someone says the story I told or message I tried to communicate was well received, relatable or resonated with them, that feels great too. 

But often times, I look at the things I write and wonder why anyone would read it. In the time I spend writing, I work to craft each sentence so it has the correct grammar and spelling. I do my best to sequence the story so it flows and makes sense. I know I have the ability to write well. But that isn't where the criticism of myself falls. It's all about the message. What do I have to say? Why is my message or story any more important than anyone else's? Is it even important and worth sharing at all?

It's not uncommon for people to feel like impostors - not a real writer - or whatever you are striving to be. I don't discount myself as a writer because I believe I am a writer. I don't feel that I'm an author. I don't think you need to publish to be an author, and technically an author can be a person who writes anything from an essay to poetry to novels. Or it can simply be one who creates anything. So in the technical sense, yes, I'm an author. I've created blogs. I've written poetry. I've completed the first draft of a novella. 

Even if I do those things, and am considered an author, who says what I'm writing is quality? My writing skills aren't in a distinguished category. I don't use a lot of big words or uncommon words. I use simple words that are easy to understand. I'm not writing anything especially sophisticated or profound. I write because I just love to write.

Literary works, paintings, portraits, music, and any other type of art you can think of, are subjective. One piece won't be for everyone, but every piece will be for someone. So maybe to the masses my work is offal. Maybe it's meaningless. I might not ever write a book that hits the best seller list and I might never be able to blog for a living. But to the one who reads this and can relate because you also believe the piece of yourself you're sharing with the world is crap, it doesn't matter. Writing is my passion and if just one person can take away something valuable from it, if one message I share can encourage someone and make them feel less alone, then it's worth doing. 

Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you smile. Let yourself shine!

Powerless

During my third or fourth session of therapy, I told my therapist I needed to learn how to communicate. She disagreed and said I knew how to communicate fine, but when I'm uncomfortable, I choose NOT to communicate. I sat back and thought for a while. In high school, I studied telecommunications. In college, I studied journalism and communications studies. I excelled in writing and speech courses. So maybe her assessment is more accurate than mine. I certainly have the ability to communicate. At any rate, I think I can learn to communicate better. I'd like to know that my communication is effective and I often question if the message I've intended to send is the one that's being received. 

I sit for long periods of time sometimes trying to write and can't think of anything, no matter how much I want to or how well I know the story. And other times, with little or no time to prepare, I say or write things that just seem to flow so naturally, I wonder if it was even me that said it.

A couple weeks ago I was on a Zoom call with a group I've been meeting with since near the beginning of quarantine. The topic for the evening was to share who we are yielding our power to that's holding us back from achieving our dreams and reaching our goals. For me, it wasn't a 'who' but a 'what' - depression.

I've been battling it since I was a teenager and I've tried a variety of things to deal with it. Nothing thus far has been successful, at least not for the long term. While I have good days, the depression is always there. It's not a seasonal or situational depression that some people go through during the winter, or following a job loss, or after the death of a loved one. It's a clinical diagnosis, and it's one that sometimes is all-consuming. 

A few weeks ago in therapy, I was talking about struggling to finish the first round of editing my novel and we were discussing the thoughts that fill my head. I need to do it faster. I need to do it better. No one will want to read this. No one will buy this. I'm wasting my time. I'm not good at this. The story is trash. And any other negative thing I could tell myself. My therapist has told me more than once that these thoughts are the depression talking, not me. She finished our session by telling me to write about how depression affects my writing, and I did that. To be honest, it wasn't something I'd even considered before. I knew on bad days it was more difficult to write. I knew in rough situations, I didn't even feel like writing. But I never knew the true impact depression was having on my attitude toward writing.

After writing about it, I realized that depression isn't taking away my power with regards exclusively to writing, but for a lot of areas in my life. I don't confront people. I don't set boundaries. I don't feel worthy. I don't trust easily. I've become a people pleaser at the expense of my own happiness.

When I shared in the group about how it's completely taken over my life and made me feel powerless, the words just came out. I talked about how depression is in the driver's seat and seems to be in control of everything. But then the focus of my message shifted and became about how we can take our power back from whomever - or whatever - we've given it to. There are factors of my depression I cannot change. I have a family history of mental illness, including depression and addiction. I cannot change my genetics. I cannot change the treatment options I have tried in the past that failed. I cannot change everything that life throws at me. I cannot predict how long it will take to overcome this massive hurdle.

But the power I do have is to recognize my illness is real. I can take advantage of the treatment options available to me. I can make sure to attend therapy and be as open and honest as possible. I can be diligent about taking my medication. I can reach out to friends and mentors when I'm having a bad day. I can reframe the way I approach and handle situations. I can override the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I can commit to doing the hard work.

I completely let my guard down when these words spilled out of my mouth and after it was all said, I felt a small sense of pride. I'd allowed myself to stop thinking, got vulnerable and let my authentic self show up. I don't know if a higher power took over and was using me as a medium to convey a message. But in that few minutes, for once, I did not feel powerless. And neither are you!

Put Down the Pennies

I've been working with both a mentor and a therapist for roughly three months. Between the two of them, I've been called stubborn, resentful, tightly wound, skeptical, and bitter. While none of these are compliments, they're also not false. I am those things. They weren't said to hurt me or to put me down. They were said because that's what good mentors and therapists do - help you identify the areas of yourself that need work and growth, and then they give you the tools you need to work through those areas.

When discussing resentment, my mentor said the times we get angry about the other driver who cut us off in traffic, the rude cashier at the grocery store, or the pile of dishes in the sink, we aren't angry about the other driver, the cashier, or the dishes. The feelings we express in those moments are an accumulation of all the times we've felt hurt or betrayed or left out or whatever. She said we can carry that resentment around forever, or we can choose to work through it and get rid of the extra weight it puts upon us. I began to consider this and for some reason started thinking about pennies. 

I wondered what it would be like if every time we got hurt - or whatever - we picked up a penny and carried it with us. The first one won't add a lot of weight, won't take up a lot of space in your hand, and won't interfere with most tasks or responsibilities, at least not to a great degree. But what happens when we pick up another and another and another and another. At some point, the pile gets to be too big for your hand, starts becoming uncomfortable to carry around and everything we do becomes a challenge. And if it gets too big, some of the pennies simply fall away - this is when we explode and get angry. The expression gives us a release and the chunk of resentment we're carrying once again becomes a smaller, more manageable load. We're able to keep moving forward.

But we'll also keep picking up pennies along the way. Someone else will be rude. The employee at the drive-thru will forget our fries. A friend will repeat a secret told in confidence. And before we know it, the pile becomes too big again and becomes more than we can handle and we explode. More of the pennies fall. 

We continue in this cycle until we consciously make an effort to put down the pennies. Every one of them. We have to take them one by one, identify the cause of each one, and work to see our own role in the situation. What are we really upset about? It's not about a stranger in traffic, a cashier who's had a long day, or a forgotten order of fries. 

I recently sat down and wrote about the things I'm harboring resentment over and began to work through them with my mentor. It is not fun work. Introspection is difficult, especially when it's to identify shortcomings. But I hear once you reach the other side, it's all completely worth it. The weight will be removed and you become free to move forward without an extra, unnecessary burden. 

We will probably continue to collect pennies for the rest of our lives but we don't have to carry them around forever.

Squeezing the Snake

They All Saw a Cat by Brendan Wenzel is a children's book that provides a lesson in perspective. The story follows a cat as he walks around and meets different animals. In every encounter, the cat remains a cat, but he is seen in a unique way by everyone else. To some, he's soft and beautiful. To others, he's a blur or spotted or broken. He appears large and scary to one, and to another, he's skinny and weak. When he finally makes it to the water, he gets to see his own reflection and sees himself in a different way than anyone else. 

A couple weeks ago, after wanting to give up AGAIN on my goal of publishing a book, a mentor made the suggestion that I write about motivation. It appears that any time I get discouraged, I just want to quit. Knowing this is my default response to becoming discouraged, my perspective is that I have no motivation, or that my motivation for writing a book is unclear to me. I can't identify it. That's what I wrote about.

I discussed this with my therapist and she said "I don't think that's true at all. I think you have too much motivation." I waited for an explanation. She said I told her in previous sessions that I wanted to write because I want to share my story - my struggle with depression and suicidal ideation - in hopes that it'll help someone else. I nodded in agreement and then she presented me with an analogy. 

She said to think back to those water snake toys - did you think I was writing about a real snake? If you don't know what a water snake is, imagine a soft flexible tube about five inches long full of what looks like water with glitter or other toys in it, or plain and with nothing but liquid inside. You can squeeze them and they're a great stress reliever. If you squeeze it, the end bulges out into a large bubble. And if you squeeze too hard, it might shoot out of your hand uncontrollably. On the flip side, if you don't hold on well enough and your grip is too loose, it's going to slip right through your hands.

She said think of my motivation as the water snake, and use the Goldilocks method - find the grip that is just right. 

I thought my own grip was loose because every time I get discouraged, I give up and watch my goal slip away. She saw the opposite because when someone gives me words of encouragement, she said I interpret it to mean I have to get it done right now. It has to be fast and perfect or it's not worth doing. She sees the driving force in me and the determination, but it's too fast and too hard. With a little more work - mental work as well as more writing - I might be able to find the sweet spot, the Goldilocks grip on my motivation.

I love analogies and this one was the perfect one to give me a new perspective. My mentor said write about "motivation," and I wrote about how I see my motivation. I didn't ask why she gave me the topic or for clarity as to what aspect of motivation to focus on. I don't know her view of my motivation. But just as every animal saw the cat in their own way, even different from how he saw himself, it's possible there is yet another perspective to consider.

Motivation

I've always liked the idea of meditation but never saw myself as someone who would practice it. But, at the advising of a mentor 76 days ago, I settled in to my first three minutes of silence, peace and stillness. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing but I sat on the floor in a dark, quiet room and hit “start” on the Headspace App. After about a week, I felt different. I wasn’t able to pinpoint the difference but wanted more so she said go up to five minutes. I did that for a couple weeks and still wasn’t sure I knew what I was doing or that it was working at all. I’m a person who likes visible, tangible results, and just wondering what was changing, if anything at all, was driving me crazy. But I kept doing it anyway.

During the past two weeks, the voice guiding the meditation says to remember your motivation and intention of doing this practice. At the beginning, my motivation was easy – I’d started working with a mentor, meditation was on my daily list of tasks to complete, and I wanted to be able to say I’d completed them all on any day she asked. I wanted to get a “gold star.”

About a month ago though, my motivation changed. I’d had a series of four instances over the course of three days where people I highly respect pointed out things I’d done where I hadn’t made the best decisions. I wasn’t reprimanded – that word is too strong. They weren’t wrong or bad decisions, but decisions made for the wrong reasons – the wrong motivation. The choices were made with ME in mind. Not anyone else. No one was harmed or mistreated, and there are no lasting effects, but their schedules and lives were temporarily altered because of my choices.

Rather than getting upset and defensive, which is what I usually do, I was able to step back after each correction and recognize how my decisions affected someone else. I acknowledged the mistakes, admitted what I could have done instead, apologized, corrected and moved on. This realization is when I knew mediation was working, even if I didn’t know how, and my motivation shifted. In this moment I knew I was becoming more aware of my own behavior, my own thoughts, my own habits. I still wanted the gold star, but now I was curious about what else I could learn, what other ways I could grow. And I kept doing it.

It’s often said that it takes about 21 days to build a new habit – if you Google how long, it ranges form 18-254 days but… you get it! After doing meditation begrudgingly for about a week, it soon became a habit, and now is something I look forward to. It no longer feels obligatory and I’m not doing it simply to please my mentor, though it’s still nice to tell her about the progress I’m making with it. I do it because I enjoy it.

I tried this “21 days to create a habit” thing with my writing about a year ago and got stuck. I wanted to write for 15 minutes a day. That doesn’t seem like a lot, but as a mom of three who also works a full time job, finding that chunk of time isn’t always easy. I can wake up 15 minutes earlier in the morning, but I’m already getting up at 5:30 to do mediation and start work at 6. I can squeeze in 15 minutes before bed but often times I’m too tired and the content would be crap. Sure, these sound like excuses – and they are – but they’re also real things. By the time I’ve worked all day, taken care of dinner, showers for three and put the kids to bed, I’m exhausted. And sleep is important for my mental health and necessary to function.

But I tried it anyway. Maybe it was too big or maybe my motivation wasn’t there because it didn’t work. I made sure to work in the 15 minutes but it seemed to be staring at a blinking cursor for about 13 minutes and writing for two. Is that progress? Of course! But it’s SLOW progress and I wasn’t interested in that. I wanted to finish my book, get it published and move on. I was doing it because I said I would do it and didn’t want to let anyone down. I didn’t know who I’d be letting down because it wasn’t a promise or commitment I’d made to anyone else, but I was sure I would disappoint someone if I couldn’t work in the writing time, get the book written and get it published. I’ve loved writing for as long as I can remember and have hoped to one day publish a book. But now I was writing for everyone else, not myself. It became something I was not enjoying and I quit. My motivation wasn’t right.

If the intention is to publish a book, a shift in the motivation doesn’t make it impossible. But it has to be clear and it has to be true. Do I want to tell a story that entertains? Do I want to write poetry that provokes thought? Do I want to share my own experiences to inspire others? Can it be a little bit of all of it? The truth is, I don’t know the answer to any of these.

I’d love to be able to tell a story that entertains, but I’m not sure my skills are where they need to be for fiction writing. I LOVE poetry and the beauty it creates in the mind, but again, am not sure I have the skill set. Are my personal experiences really something that could help someone else? Maybe. But even then, who am I talking to? Who am I sharing for?

These questions are valid and the answers are critical to resetting my motivation. I also have a good chunk of fear to overcome…

I’m still working on my fiction novel, though it’s probably more like a novella, but I’m not sure the path is right for me. It doesn’t feel right and, full disclosure, it hasn’t felt right for a long time. The last thing I wrote was a scene I wasn’t particularly happy with and I find myself again writing just to write, not because I enjoy it. I know that I don’t HAVE to write a book or publish a book. The people I’m writing “for” will certainly cheer me on and support me along the way, but if I decide to no longer follow this path, I know they would support me anyway.

Maybe I could write with resistance for three minutes a day long enough to earn a few “gold stars.” The skill won’t build itself and you can’t write by osmosis – I’ve tried. Perhaps in the same way mediation piqued my curiosity a few minutes at a time and presented me with new motivation, daily writing will too.