How am I Powerful?

Five weeks ago, my mentor assigned me the task of writing down, three times a day, three things I am grateful for and three positive statements about myself. I dreaded this assignment. It's easy to think of several things I'm grateful for but thinking beyond food, water, shelter and a job every day requires thinking a bit deeper. A lot of them have been things we often take for granted - a good bed to sleep in, three meals a day, plus snacks if we want, fast and reliable internet service, etc. Other times I've written included things that required a shift in thinking. For example, instead of feeling overwhelmed by the seemingly endless piles of laundry, I can be grateful we have clothes to wear every day. We have the resources to wash and dry our clothes. We have the ability to buy new clothes when we need them. 

I think my favorite one so far has been my neck. Yes, my neck. It's just a neck. But when you're 5'2'' sun visors in the car don't work. Instead, you have the seat as far forward and as high up as you can make it, the visor flipped down, your posture is straighter than ever and you stretch your neck as far as possible to get some relief from the sun. Without a neck, this wouldn't be possible and instead you'd be a hazard on the road. I know they make sunglasses but adult ones are too big for me and the pairs made for children are too small. I have the same issue with hats. I don't fit!

The other part of this exercise - which I anticipated ending after a week - has been more difficult. Prior to suggesting I write three positive statements about myself, she told me I wasn't going to like the assignment. She was 100 percent correct. I don't like it at all and wasn't sure I'd be able to do it even once. I don't like myself much. I think I am likable at times, but my overall opinion of myself is quite poor. She told me to take the negative things I think about myself and write the opposite. I can't use things I already believe, like I'm funny, good at math and punctual. I have to rewire my brain by turning the destructive thoughts into something that will move me in a positive direction.

Coming up with the bad thoughts was easy and flipping them upside down wasn't difficult either. The hard part, which I'm told will happen over time, is believing these things. I've written things like my feelings are important, I matter, I deserve happiness, I'm not a burden, and I am enough. 

At my last therapy session, I shared that I'd been doing this and that I felt uncertain about whether or not they were true rather than not believing them at all. She asked me for examples of things I'd written about myself. I told her one of them was "I am powerful," and she asked me if there was any part of that statement that I DID believe. 

I told her that for as many years as I've been fighting depression and as heavy as it feels some days, I've always been able to get out of bed, get to school or work, bathe myself and eat, and take care of my kids. I know there are people who are not able to do these things because just getting out of bed is exhausting, and anything beyond that seems impossible. I've been fortunate that I've never been in that place, so in that respect maybe I am powerful.This also gave me a new perspective that as hard as some days are, I certainly could have worse days.

I'm on day 32 of this assignment have almost 100 positive statements about myself. In all honesty, I am still unsure about the truthfulness of each one. But if I can ask myself the same question my therapist asked about each one, and find one piece of every statement that I believe, perhaps one day I will fully believe all of them, and know without a doubt that I am powerful.